Why can I never be alone… even for a moment. I’m constantly seeking the next conversation… the next connection. Even now, I’m here, writing this, but I know I will get responses (hopefully). I mean I could possibly save it as a draft… or make a private blog. Or write in a text document on my computer. But will that help me? No. I’m seeking help. I’m seeking healing. I’m seeking something to make me feel better. But I don’t always find it. In fact, I don’t think I’ve found it yet. No matter what anyone says to me, about self-love, I just won’t let it sink in. What is self-love? I’m not looking for an answer, I’m just asking. To make what I’m writing sound good to me. I enjoy writing… that’s something I could do, if I knew how to do it creatively. Or maybe I could write a non-fiction novel. I don’t know. I know I do need things to do in my spare time, alone, by myself, where I’m not seeking someone else. I used to write here… maybe I’ll continue to do that in the new year. But I kind of get disappointed by the fact that no one replies. That’s another thing. But I also don’t always have this much to write. This was I guess inspired by a long conversation I just had with someone today. But anyway… I guess I should go eat. That’s something.
The happiest period of my life was back in 2004, when I lived in B.C. I moved out there with my sister and her family, but soon moved out on my own. I had my own apartment, which was cheaper and bigger than my current one. I worked at McDonald’s, flipping burgers, but it was good! I also went to this weekly Spiritual group, where we all talked, and gave each other hugs! It was much different than it is now. Now, I don’t have a job. I don’t like where I live, and I don’t have any friends. To be fair, the people in the group were not really close friends, we didn’t hangout after group, but it feels like something is still different. Maybe it’s because I’m not getting my daily dose of hugs. Or maybe different times in our lives are just different. As it is now, it’s not very good. I spend most of my time alone, on social media. Which is fine, I guess, but I’m not living, ya know? I’m not moving around, I’m stagnant. Nothing much happens…
Anyway, I tried to start this blog post with the idea of writing the happiest time in my life, and ended up writing about the worst. I guess because it’s been many years since I was happy.
Got through another day… I also starting taking a mood supplement called 5-HTP yesterday. I hope it helps. I’m taking a probiotic, which is helping. I’m also working on developing an app. So if you know anything about Android development, let me know. Because I have questions. Thanks for reading!
Does anybody ever think about the fact that we’re basically floating on a rock through space?
Or at least that’s what it would appear to look like from the outside, in… But I have a suspicion that it’s all an illusion. For example, when you’re in a dream, everything is created by your mind… so outer-space is the mind’s way of explaining where we are… because I believe that life is like a dream. But really, we’re “no where” and everything is created by our minds. Which I think is the truth, according to quantum physics.
On the subject… Earth is going through some major changes, man. I feel like we’re all basically waiting for the world to change. Or is it me? Or am I talking about a John Mayer song?
Did you ever think about how your life effects those around you? For example; if you became rich, most likely your family would benefit as well. And so on… That’s just one tiny example. Be that a somewhat superficial one. Another example; if you have a good day, it could snowball, and it could effect everyone you meet. That’s why people say “We’re all connected.” This interconnectedness runs deep. The failure of one person, means the failure of many. And the success of one person, means the success of many.
I’m alone right now. But not really lonely. Which is a first in a long time. Of course it would be nice to have somebody to talk to, but the feeling of depression inside has gone for the time being. I guess because I had an OT nurse visit today and we went for a walk. Then I spoke with someone at a cafe for a while. So I guess I got my social quota in for the day… or at least for the morning. There’s always the dreaded evening. Something to look forward too! Ha.
Ok, what can I write that’s not depressing? I don’t know. lol!
It’s 1am right now. I don’t feel like sleeping. I’m up listening to music… If you have any music recommendations, I am somewhat willing to listen to them. I’m on YouNow right now (http://www.younow.com/lifedreamradio) broadcasting what I’m listening to again. I’m actually trying to find some sad songs, because that’s how I feel, and I need music to match how I feel. A song recommendation, “Epiphany” by Staind; which I will post below. This song is good for right now. It’s sullen (?) and relaxing. Now I just need to write or do something creative…