Moving

I’ve wanted to move for a very long time. So long, in fact, that I stopped wanting and just accepted the fact that I can’t. There was a point where I actually tried. I actively looked into it. The problem is, I’m on Ontario Disability, which means I can’t leave the province for more than 30 days, I believe. So I looked into getting on B.C. Disability, but it takes about 6 months to get on it. And you have to be a resident of the province before you can apply. I can’t live out there for 6 months with no income. I suppose I could secure a job out there before I move, somehow. Or, apply for Income Assistance, if I’m eligible. But at this point in my life, feeling better is my top priority, and I know that moving will not make me feel any better.

On starting over at 30

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12:03 p.m.


I feel sick.


2:18 p.m.


I still can’t do it.


5:00 p.m.


Text message from my mom: “Just remember you’re worth. Don’t you ever forget that.”


8:57 p.m.


Wow.


Okay.


Where do I start? Words are escaping me at the moment. Everything is escaping me at the moment. The life that I thought I knew, the plans that I thought I had, they fell through my fingertips faster than granules of sand on the California Coast.


I can’t do this right now. I’ll take this up later.


12:57 a.m.


It’s crazy to me, the fact that the people you love most in this world have the capability to hurt you the most.


Perhaps I’m just too trusting. Perhaps I put my faith where I shouldn’t have.


3:29 a.m.


Holy fucking hell. (Please excuse my language. Nothing else seems a worthy description of the present state of my brain)

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Thanks!

Help

I really need someone in my life to help me through this depression. I’m connected with a team of nurses and a psychiatrist, but I don’t want to call them – because I don’t feel like talking. I would rather text. But I don’t think they have a texting service. I would join BetterHelp, but I don’t know if I want to talk to them either. At some point I will probably give them a try because nothing else seems to be working; other than this.

People always say people should reach out for help – but what about You reading this, why don’t you reach back?

BetterHelp

Should I sign-up for BetterHelp? It’s $160 a month! That’s a lot of money for me. But it may be worth it, I don’t know. I just need somebody to talk to, ya know? It doesn’t have to be a professional. It just has to be a friend. But I don’t have any friends. That’s why I’m posting here, to try to make friends. But it’s not really working out. Nothing works out… I don’t know what to do.