In and around 2003 I started smoking weed. I soon realized that there were other states of consciousness. So, I researched it on the internet and discovered meditation. That’s when I stopped smoking weed and started meditating. On May 4th, 2004, I was meditating and experienced the light in meditation. It was white and infinite and felt like bliss, and it was me. When I came to, I felt like I had been there before. That began my search to discover what just happened. So, I went to the library and found a book called Meditation Magic by Anami. I’ve also read many other books since then. Soon after that experience I moved to British Columbia with my sister. There, I went to a bookstore where someone gave me the book “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise L. Hay. That’s when I discovered that my thoughts create my reality. I shared this book with everyone I knew. In 2005, I moved back to Ontario, which now feels like a mistake. But anyway, in 2006, the movie The Secret was released, which described The Law of Attraction. In 2007, I found the book “Ask and It Is Given” by Abraham Hicks. In 2008, I made another mistake, I think. I saw a store with angels in the window, it was a church, so, being curious I went in and began to learn about Christianity. There I met somebody who was an Evangelist, by definition: “a person who seeks to convert others to the Christian faith” and she was exactly that. I was going through a hard time at the time, and she told me that everything I believed in, that brought me joy and understanding, was wrong, basically, that it was evil. She got me believing in demons and such, which I never believed in before. It’s been 12 years since then, and we’ve fought countless times about our beliefs, and I don’t know exactly when I broke away from her, but I finally did. She no longer contacts me. But I will say, that with that, and everything I’ve been through from 2008 till now, I’m basically dead inside. I met people in 2008 who disappointed me on a deep level. I met someone in 2009 who broke my heart. In 2012, I was hospitalized for saying I wanted to commit suicide and had a horrendous experience there. I was drugged up, a lot. I’ve been on and off of medications since then. In 2016, I think, I was hospitalized again. As well as 2018. In 2020, was the pandemic, which didn’t affect me at all, because I was already isolating. It’s been almost 3 years since then. This is me trying to unpack it all, I guess.
I’m not sure how to heal myself of all this. How do you go from feeling numb most of the time, then depressed and in pain the rest of the time, to feeling something positive again? Nobody that I know of has written a book on this. I know there have been songs written about it, like the song by Linkin Park and Pink Floyd. But no instruction booklet. I can’t even enjoy music the way I used to, because I’ve learned today that it’s because I love music with my mind, not my heart. I listen, but the music barely moves me physically or emotionally.
So, I guess that’s it. Thanks for reading this far. Please comment below.