I’ve wanted to move for a very long time. So long, in fact, that I stopped wanting and just accepted the fact that I can’t. There was a point where I actually tried. I actively looked into it. The problem is, I’m on Ontario Disability, which means I can’t leave the province for more than 30 days, I believe. So I looked into getting on B.C. Disability, but it takes about 6 months to get on it. And you have to be a resident of the province before you can apply. I can’t live out there for 6 months with no income. I suppose I could secure a job out there before I move, somehow. Or, apply for Income Assistance, if I’m eligible. But at this point in my life, feeling better is my top priority, and I know that moving will not make me feel any better.
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I feel sick.
I still can’t do it.
Text message from my mom: “Just remember you’re worth. Don’t you ever forget that.”
Where do I start? Words are escaping me at the moment. Everything is escaping me at the moment. The life that I thought I knew, the plans that I thought I had, they fell through my fingertips faster than granules of sand on the California Coast.
I can’t do this right now. I’ll take this up later.
It’s crazy to me, the fact that the people you love most in this world have the capability to hurt you the most.
Perhaps I’m just too trusting. Perhaps I put my faith where I shouldn’t have.
Holy fucking hell. (Please excuse my language. Nothing else seems a worthy description of the present state of my brain)
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Leave a comment if you are reading this… I want to know if you are real!
If you don’t comment, I will most likely not believe that you are real. So if you want to read my blog, please comment a little something. Unless you’re a regular and regularly like my posts, or we’ve communicated in the past, I will most likely think you’re just a BOT and that will make me more sad.
I really need someone in my life to help me through this depression. I’m connected with a team of nurses and a psychiatrist, but I don’t want to call them – because I don’t feel like talking. I would rather text. But I don’t think they have a texting service. I would join BetterHelp, but I don’t know if I want to talk to them either. At some point I will probably give them a try because nothing else seems to be working; other than this.
People always say people should reach out for help – but what about You reading this, why don’t you reach back?
Should I sign-up for BetterHelp? It’s $160 a month! That’s a lot of money for me. But it may be worth it, I don’t know. I just need somebody to talk to, ya know? It doesn’t have to be a professional. It just has to be a friend. But I don’t have any friends. That’s why I’m posting here, to try to make friends. But it’s not really working out. Nothing works out… I don’t know what to do.
I designed a t-shirt. Would you like to see it?