On starting over at 30

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12:03 p.m.

I feel sick.

2:18 p.m.

I still can’t do it.

5:00 p.m.

Text message from my mom: “Just remember you’re worth. Don’t you ever forget that.”

8:57 p.m.



Where do I start? Words are escaping me at the moment. Everything is escaping me at the moment. The life that I thought I knew, the plans that I thought I had, they fell through my fingertips faster than granules of sand on the California Coast.

I can’t do this right now. I’ll take this up later.

12:57 a.m.

It’s crazy to me, the fact that the people you love most in this world have the capability to hurt you the most.

Perhaps I’m just too trusting. Perhaps I put my faith where I shouldn’t have.

3:29 a.m.

Holy fucking hell. (Please excuse my language. Nothing else seems a worthy description of the present state of my brain)

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If you don’t comment, I will most likely not believe that you are real. So if you want to read my blog, please comment a little something. Unless you’re a regular and regularly like my posts, or we’ve communicated in the past, I will most likely think you’re just a BOT and that will make me more sad.



I really need someone in my life to help me through this depression. I’m connected with a team of nurses and a psychiatrist, but I don’t want to call them – because I don’t feel like talking. I would rather text. But I don’t think they have a texting service. I would join BetterHelp, but I don’t know if I want to talk to them either. At some point I will probably give them a try because nothing else seems to be working; other than this.

People always say people should reach out for help – but what about You reading this, why don’t you reach back?


Should I sign-up for BetterHelp? It’s $160 a month! That’s a lot of money for me. But it may be worth it, I don’t know. I just need somebody to talk to, ya know? It doesn’t have to be a professional. It just has to be a friend. But I don’t have any friends. That’s why I’m posting here, to try to make friends. But it’s not really working out. Nothing works out… I don’t know what to do.