Thoughts

Depression

Do you suffer from depression?
What do you do when you feel depressed?
I usually sleep.

But for the past couple hours I’ve been fighting it, because right now it’s only 9pm. I like to go to bed around 11pm, so I don’t wake up before sunrise. But I don’t sleep well anyway, so I’ll probably wake up multiple times during the night. But that’s another story. Back to depression…

They say talking about it helps. So I figure this is just as good as talking. I mean, there are some other places online that I could go to to talk to people, maybe even one-on-one, and with replies! (I most likely won’t get any replies to this). The hashtag #suicide is trending in Canada right now, I don’t know why. But I could possibly use that as a means of reaching out. Someone might just give me resources I could use; which I probably already know of; or maybe some I don’t. Where was I going with this…

You see, if I get it in my head to talk to someone, than I might actually talk to someone. But if I push that thought aside, I’m fine. Like right now, I’m occupied. I’m thinking about “other things” besides the way that I feel… not the thought “I’m so lonely” and “there’s no one there.” Right now I’m writing as if I’m talking to someone, so I guess I’m fooling my brain into thinking that there is. I mean, there will most likely be someone there reading this (You) sometimes afterwards, but it’s not really the same.

I guess that’s why people like reading. Or writing…
But I mean, how long can I sit here writing this? I wasn’t even expecting to write this much.

I’ve been talking to a team of psychiatric nurses (I believe that’s what they are) for about a year now, and it hasn’t helped. I mean, they don’t bring up anything or point out anything to me about my thoughts/behaviors like a psychologist might. They are more like professional friends. Which is all good, but I want to improve my life! I want to improve myself! And I would say both of those things haven’t improved by knowing these team of nurses. Plus, they are unavailable after certain hours. Because you know, people don’t get depressed after the workday is done.

I think that’s everything I wanted to say. Now back to my depression…

Oh yea!! The thing about it is, I knew this was going to be a bad day. So I posted on Instagram (this morning) for some help, and NO ONE RESPONDED!! My post got 13 views, and not 1 like or comment (and I have 76 followers).