Just a tiny little bored “rant” I guess. I don’t know if this is a rant or not, or me just spewing my guts.
So I use a lot of online services like YouNow and Discord to chat with people, to cure my loneliness. But it doesn’t quite work. I haven’t formed any long lasting or close relationships through it. There was one person I “reached out” to, but she didn’t get back to me. I’m tired of feeling alone. I say “feeling,” and not “being,” because I’m not alone, I just feel alone. It’s like the song “Something’s Missing” by John Mayer, that I’m listening to now. I’ll link it below, if you haven’t heard it before.
This is somewhat nice, writing this blog… it gives me something to do, alone… listening to music, without needing anybody there. But I think most of the time I’m striving for attention. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not, but it’s what I need, I think.
John Mayer has some pretty good songs. The next song on the album I’m listening to is “New Deep.” You should check it out! I’ll link it below as well!
I’m on YouNow right now broadcasting what I’m listening to, and people just pop in and leave really quickly. It’s a little disconcerting.
I guess I could check out someone that’s online right now. See what’s up. Post this. And probably come back to it later. I enjoy writing.
I guess I will be honest…
The rest of my morning hasn’t been going so well.
I’m alone almost all of the time. (A little background, I don’t have a job. I’ve tried looking.)
A video I watched about loneliness said to “reach out to people” but I have no one to reach out to…
… and no one can change the way I feel but me. Unless they’re a miracle worker.
I’m in a really weird space right now.
Ever since I was 13 I’ve wanted to make music.
But after going through what I went through over the past decade or so, things have changed.
I no longer feel the same about music. And I don’t know if I can make music now that I’m willing to try.
It’s a weird space because I’m thinking “NOW what do I do with my life?”
How could I have lived this life having the desires that I have had, and now not be able to fulfill them? My life is empty and void of meaning.
I haven’t had a true desire in years. At least not the same as it was back when I was young.
I hope and wish to get back to that place, of feeling good, etc, etc. But I don’t even know if it’s possible!
I wanted to share something to see if there is anybody else that does this.
I pretty much live most days trying to get through the day – like trying to get to the end of the day. And I’m tired of it. It’s night time now and I’m just going to go to sleep and do it all over again tomorrow; wanting the day to be over as soon as it starts. It’s almost as bad as waiting in a hospital emergency room.
Here’s an example of what I was talking about in my post about Social Media:
I wake up. I think about eating healthier. I have some cereal in the cupboard but than I realize I have no milk. I think about texting my friend:
“I should have bought regular milk instead of chocolate milk (yesterday) then I could have a bowl of cereal for breakfast.”
But I don’t, because I think it would be kind of overkill when it comes to texting. But than why did I have that thought to begin with? And because I don’t share that thought or experience, I feel like I’ve missed out in some way.
I was talking to a friend tonight and I came up with the thought that Patreon is ridiculous. Maybe it’s just because I’m jealous of all the money some of these people are making or maybe it’s because I think some people are throwing their money away by supporting them. What are your thoughts?
Maybe it’s a little bit of both. But…
If a Patreon has 5,000 followers (or patrons) and the minimum donation or cost of joining is $1, these people are making at least $5,000 a month! That is crazy in my mind. I would be happy to be making at least $2,000 a month doing what I love, which is acting and film-making. But I don’t have the following I would like to be able to do that. At least not through Patreon. And at least not any time soon.
I guess that’s part of the reason why I started this blog. Because, as you can see, this is not a TV show or a TV channel, but my blog (and website) is called “LifeDream TV.” That’s because it’s my life dream to make movies (or TV shows). As well as a couple other reasons behind the name. But that’s not the point. The point is, I started this blog to start a following. And I appreciate if you are reading now or even following now! It means a lot to me! And I hope to be posting a lot more interesting content soon (like my previous post). Maybe even a YouTube video… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
With the invention of social media and being alone for so long, it’s like I don’t know how to leave people alone, to a certain degree. For example, I always have thoughts about past conversations. And I always want to share those thoughts via text or social media. And I don’t know when to stop. (Partly because I don’t know if the other person is bothered by all the texts or not.) Does anyone else have this issue?
What did I do before social media? Did I always have these thoughts? Did I always feel alone and always want to communicate? We’ll never know.