I’m stuck.
This isn’t news to you if you’ve been reading my blog.
But because I have nothing to do right now, I’m writing this.

It’s 12:20pm. I’m waiting around for 1pm to come to go to a meditation class. So, I have 40 minutes to waste, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. And the longer I sit in that feeling, the more I get depressed.

It’s like I can’t think of anything. Maybe it’s because I’ve been on medications for 2 years, and it has blocked some receptors in my brain which receive or produce thought. I don’t know.

After all the self-help and spiritual things I’ve read, I still feel stuck. The teaching that I agree with the most, The Teachings of Abraham, might say to look for things to appreciate. And I don’t even wanna do that.

Even this is hard to write.
So, I guess I’ll stop there. If you have any insights, feel free to share them below. Thank you!

In and around 2003 I started smoking weed. I soon realized that there were other states of consciousness. So, I researched it on the internet and discovered meditation. That’s when I stopped smoking weed and started meditating. On May 4th, 2004, I was meditating and experienced the light in meditation. It was white and infinite and felt like bliss, and it was me. When I came to, I felt like I had been there before. That began my search to discover what just happened. So, I went to the library and found a book called Meditation Magic by Anami. I’ve also read many other books since then. Soon after that experience I moved to British Columbia with my sister. There, I went to a bookstore where someone gave me the book “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise L. Hay. That’s when I discovered that my thoughts create my reality. I shared this book with everyone I knew. In 2005, I moved back to Ontario, which now feels like a mistake. But anyway, in 2006, the movie The Secret was released, which described The Law of Attraction. In 2007, I found the book “Ask and It Is Given” by Abraham Hicks. In 2008, I made another mistake, I think. I saw a store with angels in the window, it was a church, so, being curious I went in and began to learn about Christianity. There I met somebody who was an Evangelist, by definition: “a person who seeks to convert others to the Christian faith” and she was exactly that. I was going through a hard time at the time, and she told me that everything I believed in, that brought me joy and understanding, was wrong, basically, that it was evil. She got me believing in demons and such, which I never believed in before. It’s been 12 years since then, and we’ve fought countless times about our beliefs, and I don’t know exactly when I broke away from her, but I finally did. She no longer contacts me. But I will say, that with that, and everything I’ve been through from 2008 till now, I’m basically dead inside. I met people in 2008 who disappointed me on a deep level. I met someone in 2009 who broke my heart. In 2012, I was hospitalized for saying I wanted to commit suicide and had a horrendous experience there. I was drugged up, a lot. I’ve been on and off of medications since then. In 2016, I think, I was hospitalized again. As well as 2018. In 2020, was the pandemic, which didn’t affect me at all, because I was already isolating. It’s been almost 3 years since then. This is me trying to unpack it all, I guess.

I’m not sure how to heal myself of all this. How do you go from feeling numb most of the time, then depressed and in pain the rest of the time, to feeling something positive again? Nobody that I know of has written a book on this. I know there have been songs written about it, like the song by Linkin Park and Pink Floyd. But no instruction booklet. I can’t even enjoy music the way I used to, because I’ve learned today that it’s because I love music with my mind, not my heart. I listen, but the music barely moves me physically or emotionally.

So, I guess that’s it. Thanks for reading this far. Please comment below.

The best thing that happened today was I met with Rebecca. We went for a coffee/tea at a cafe. The one thing I remember the most about our conversation was that she said her newborn daughter had some health problems, and that she was worrying about them a lot. I told her that by worrying she’s actually creating a better future for her. That what we don’t want gives birth to what we do want. And it’s best to then focus on what we do want.

I also realized that I have so much to complain about. So, I’m going to start writing these journals to start focusing on the good things in my life. The good experiences and memories. Because I need more of those.

Have you seen the 2008 movie “Yes Man” with Jim Carrey? I watched it again recently and also tried saying yes to things like he did in the movie – and let me tell you, it’s hard!! Could it be that I’m more in a rut than the main character of the movie was? Probably. I mean, I don’t have people calling me all the time to do things. But when they do, it seems my immediate and permanent response is no.

I wrote a story of my life! Would you be interested in reading it? It’ll be a part of subscriber-only content. But I have to pay to set it up – that’s why I’m asking beforehand. As I am currently low on cash.

I’d like to communicate with my followers! If I added a forum to my site, would you be a part of it?

Just figured out that I spend an average of $100-200 on groceries per month. That’s $3.33 to $6.66 a day. Plus, I also eat out sometimes.

Wondering how? Well, for one, I order 3 boxes of oatmeal for $8 (on sale at Walmart). That makes for 8 days of breakfasts for $1 a day. And for lunch/dinner I usually have Pogo sticks or Pizza pockets, etc. Pogo sticks are 20 for $12.97 and Pizza pockets are 12 for $11.67. So, you can see how cheap that is…

There are over 7.7 billion lives within this one life.
7.7 billion perspectives of this one life.
But my perspective has become quite dim… for lack of a better word.
My life has become quite the predicament.
Can I change that, is the question… that I don’t know the answer to.

But every day I try.